Have you ever wondered where to find good friends? Of course, we all need community, but finding the supportive friends we want can be challenging. Sometimes unhealthy friendships can do more harm than good, which is why the Bible is filled with wisdom giving us guidelines on what to look for in a good friend. We even see these principles play out in the story of Job. While his friends give him some bad advice later in the book, their initial response to Job’s suffering provides an excellent example of friendship. So if you’ve been wondering what sets a good friend apart from toxic friends, these biblical principles can help.
Find Friends Who Show Up When Needed
Job 2:11 says that when his friends heard of the things going on in his life, they went to him. Job didn’t have to make a Facebook post pleading for help. He didn’t have to send a text message. His friends knew about how hard his life was, and as soon as they knew about it, they just showed up. They were there for Job. You need to be looking for the kind of friend so connected to you that when something major happens, or a tragedy strikes you and your family, they will know about it because that’s how well they know you.
Showing up when needed is one of the ways you can spot a good friend, and it’s one of the ways you can be a good friend to others. Sometimes when people go through tragedy, they may not know what they need. Even if they know what they need, they may be unable to express it. Or they might think they’re going to be able to handle the situation on their own. If you have a good friend, they will show up when it matters most, even if you don’t know what you need.
Find Friends who Suffer with You
In verses 11 and 12, the Bible tells us that the friends’ sole purpose was to come to Job, commiserate with him, and provide support. In Hebrew, the word sympathize here means to mourn personally. When they see Job, they cry out loud with tears and weeping. They tear their clothes and throw dust over their heads, symbolizing that they are experiencing personal grief. Job’s suffering didn’t affect their families or livestock, but when they showed up at Job’s house, they mourned with him like a family member. It was like his loss was their loss. That’s a good friend.
Don’t be afraid to let other people hurt with you, and surely don’t be scared to mourn and hurt with others. If you’re willing to suffer with them and allow your friends to suffer with you, they’ll feel closer to you than your own family members. That’s true of Job in this passage. His wife was hurting and couldn’t be there for him, so his friends were.
Of course, this isn’t possible with everyone. You can’t emotionally be that close with everyone you know. However, our call as Christians is to carry one another’s burdens. So when the Lord calls you to sympathize with others in this way, obey that call!
Find Friends who Spend Time with You
Job’s friends stayed with him for a whole week, and at least at that moment, they were committed. This shows loyalty and commitment. This doesn’t mean you should expect your friends to stay a whole week or feel the need to stay with your suffering friends for an entire week. You need to follow the Lord’s leading. Sometimes it will be a month, sometimes a week, or sometimes just a day or a few hours. Jesus will know what’s needed at that moment.
Notice that this passage says Job’s friends didn’t say a word for seven days. Sometimes, when you show up in a hospital room and don’t know how the surgery will go, you don’t know what to say. That’s okay. You may show up at a friend’s house after they lost a loved one, and you have no words. Sometimes silence is the best way to be present with your friend in the grief and unknowns. Silence is undoubtedly better than words flying out of your mouth that may cause more harm than good. Don’t say everything will be okay and give them false hope. Don’t allow a little awkward silence to make you say something stupid. Sometimes we can sit in silence and let our presence be powerful enough in that moment.
Find Friends Who Know Jesus
The best friendships will happen between two people who know and love Jesus. It’s not that an unbeliever is incapable of being a good friend. However, believers need their closest friends to be believers.
For example, if you’re mourning, you need someone to offer you hope. If the unbeliever doesn’t believe in Christ, how can they offer you hope that they don’t yet understand? An unbeliever will see death as the final blow, and then after that, there’s nothing. You need somebody in your life that believes there’s hope after death. You need somebody who brings you the hope of Christ when you need it the most. They can’t be that for you if they don’t know Him. Your closest friends should share the hope of Christ that you have.
Find Friends that Forgive
Job’s friends were not perfect. They probably should have said something to lift his spirits. But when they finally do speak in chapter 25, it is unhelpful. They tried to blame Job for all of his loss. They tried to get him to repent for something he never did. Job’s friends messed up.
Sometimes in life, your friends are going to mess up. Sometimes they’re going to hurt you. In those moments, you need to forgive. A wise friend will offer forgiveness because they know no one is perfect. You may not have friends like Job that give terrible advice, but you will have friends that hurt you. If you want to keep them, you should look for every opportunity to be reconciled with them. Forgiveness and reconciliation are just a part of the friendship journey.
The same goes for the friends you find. You will mess up and hurt them too. When you apologize, how do they respond? A good friend will make it possible to make up and move on without holding grudges or building resentment. You need a friend who will offer you the same grace you offer them.
Next Steps: Find a Friend in Jesus
Ultimately, no friend is perfect. When you need wisdom on friendship, look to Jesus. He is the perfect friend. Once you believe in Jesus as your Savior, he also becomes your friend. He will always want the best for you and be with you in times of need. John 15:13 says the greatest love is seen in one who lays down his life for his friends. Jesus is the friend who laid down his life on our behalf.
When I look at Jesus and compare him to Job’s friends, it’s clear that Jesus perfectly fulfilled all the friendship characteristics for all of eternity. For example, if you want to find a friend who will always be there for you, look to Jesus. If you want to find a friend that will come to you in your most significant time of need, it’s Jesus. When you’re looking for a friend that can suffer with you, look to Jesus. He always knows what you’re going through
Don’t let your earthly friends try to replace what only Jesus can give. Jesus should be your closest friend. As you spend time with Him, He will bring people into your life that will be the kind of friends that are always there for you. If you’re struggling with loneliness today, or don’t know where to begin in your friendship journey, go to Jesus. Start with a simple prayer, and spend some time with Him. He’ll take it from there!
